


Prayers

by Pavs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-06-17 00:32:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15449361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pavs/pseuds/Pavs
Summary: I didn't care if I was hallucinating from the loss of blood or the amount of pain I was in, his voice was comforting and I fell asleep hearing him sing words that I couldn't understand. [Castiel/OC] [Triggers warning] [Rated M for a reason] [Season 12 and 13 spoilers alert] [As canon as possible]





	1. Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody!
> 
> This is my second multi chapter fanfiction in the Supernatural universe. Before you read this story there are some things that should be said.
> 
> First, this fiction is based on a very real and extremely painful memory. Some of the things you will read in that fiction, especially about my OC's background, are true events that happened in my life. I am telling my story through a fanfiction because I need to get some things off my chest. Please give it a chance.
> 
> Second, this fiction contain a lot of sensitive subjects and possible triggers. For those of you who've read God's most cruel joke (no they are not related), Prayers actually is darker in some ways.
> 
> The characters and story line will be as canon as possible. Please remember that English isn't my first language. (I do apologize in advance for any mistakes.)
> 
> And I am saying it here once and for all I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters, I only have this fiction and my OC.
> 
> This story is already finished, you don't have to worry about it not being complete.
> 
> Bold: Prayers
> 
> Italic: Thoughts
> 
> If you have any comments or suggestions, you can always review or pm me.
> 
> Enjoy your reading,
> 
> Pavs.

It was cold, so cold. My whole body was shaking and I'd been screaming for so long that I started to not recognize my own voice. His hand was in mine and I could see it in his eyes, I wouldn't make it. I didn't even know if I wanted to anyway. There was pain, excruciating, never ending pain. My vision started to fade and things became a blur until another wave of pain hit and I was screaming for the life I was losing.

I heard the sirens and his hand left mine. He told me he loved me but couldn't come with me in the ambulance. And really, he couldn't, not at the moment. I looked at him one last time before the paramedics took off with me. There was so much blood.

Before I knew it, I was in intensive care with an IV and told I might need a transfusion. I called my mom, crying so much she barely understood the name of the hospital. The meds worked against the pain but there was always more blood. I was cold and tired. Tired of living but still hugging myself in the hopes that it could somehow save him. But it couldn't, my baby was dead before he was even born, before I even knew he was there. I knew it was a son, I could feel it.

My arms shouldn't have been covered in blood, they should have been holding my sleeping son in a couple of months. But they were as empty as I felt and I cried even more.

My mother arrived and held me against her, not caring about the blood and not knowing what to say. She tried to find the right words, but there really was nothing to say. She was told by the security she had to go and I was alone again.

I was going mad with pain and the scream of agony that rang into my head. I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe and I wanted to ask for help not knowing what I needed beside having my living son into my arms. I never prayed and wasn't sure I believed, but I needed to talk without making a sound. I pictured in my head the heaven I'd seen with all the doors. I imagined what would be behind my door. I asked myself if I would just let myself die would I end up there.

Then my phone rang and the very man that loved me told me he couldn't do it. That he wasn't ready. That he was glad the baby was dead. The baby he very much told me he would have been happy about when I would get pregnant.

The sound I made was not human and no pain meds could have stopped that suffering. The doctors came running. I couldn't explain, I was sobbing too hard. I wanted to die, I wanted to die so much. And it appeared that I would do so very soon if they didn't stop the bleeding.

They brought me into a room with an exam bed and told me they'd have to extract the baby without anesthesia. He couldn't get out and it was the reason I was losing so much blood. It took forty-five minutes and two doctors to see my dead baby five seconds before he was being thrown in the garbage. They closed the door to let me change and I fell on the floor. I didn't even change, I just managed to get back to my hospital bed. He was gone and the blood was all I had left of him.

No one dared to say a thing about my state either. I closed my eyes and went back to the heaven I had thought about before. I wondered if my baby was there now. I wished I could have done something to save him. I wished for a late miracle to bring him back. I wished Castiel was there to heal me and my unborn son when I started losing blood. I wished he could just make me sleep so I couldn't feel a thing. And I cried to him even when I knew he couldn't hear me because he wasn't real. I had never prayed before but I did to him because there was no one I could talk to.

And somehow, I heard his voice telling me that I could go to sleep and he would be there watching over me. I didn't care if I was hallucinating from the loss of blood or the amount of pain I was in, his voice was comforting and I fell asleep hearing him sing words that I couldn't understand.


	2. The empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!
> 
> I am so sorry it took me so long to post an update but life has been kind of crazy.
> 
> Also I want to thank you for your reviews and I will answer your questions.
> 
> I am not sure about your question so here is my answer about how close to reality it is : 
> 
> For the Supernatural storyline, this fiction is actually going to follow Castiel in season 13 and the relationship he has with the OC (and its impact on both of them )will be the only major change. As for my OC's background...yes I did lost my baby last year and my now ex-boyfriend didn't react well at all. The only fictional part about this is that I didn't heard Castiel voice in my head and this is the reason why I am not using real names. I am saying this in an author note because I know you can't be the only person thinking about it.
> 
> This chapter will be seen from Castiel's point of view. 
> 
> Italic are thoughts and Italic+Bold are Prayers
> 
> I do hope you will like this chapter as much as it helped me.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Pavs.

A sharp pain woke him up and he opened his eyes only to see an infinite darkness in front of him. He tried to walk, slowly at first and then he ran. He tried to call for someone, anyone. There were no answers. He tried the angel radio and screamed when he felt like his head was going to explode. He couldn't call for help, no one could hear him anyway. His memory was still intact and he knew where he was, the empty.

But wasn't he suppose to sleep? He kept trying to see something for a while before giving up. Perhaps he could just try and fall asleep again? It was so confusing and if he hadn't been human before he would still think it weird to have to fake being dead to fall in a temporary comatose state.

But there weren't a lot of options there so Castiel closed his eyes only to see a blinding white light as the pain that woke him up came back. Only this time it didn't fade and the longer he felt it the more it seemed to him that this suffering wasn't his to feel. His vision started to clear and he found himself in a hospital. He looked at his feet only to see that the floor had a bloody trail on which he was standing. The source of the pain seemed to be followed by the blood so Castiel started to walked. He was so focused on the blood that he saw a nurse coming a second to late for him to avoid her. She passed right through him and Castiel frowned.

_This shouldn't be possible. I shouldn't be here! What is happening?_

He kept going, feeling like his answers would come with the soul that was calling to him. A broken soul. Castiel felt an infinite pain at that. There was nothing he could do to repair a broken soul and there was no way a human could survive that. Not even Sam or Dean who had tendencies of defying the odds. No one would want to live with a broken soul, they'd be turned into demons long before they knew it if they managed to survive.

Then Castiel saw her and he knew at that moment that he would be crying if he could. She was lying on her side, her hairs wet with blood and tears. Her pale face screaming the agony she was feeling inside of her. He saw the way her arms were wrapped around her stomach and he knew what happened. She had lost her baby.

He knew she couldn't see him, couldn't feel him, but he still put a comforting hand on her shoulder before sitting next to her. That's when he heard her screaming for help, begging for the pain to go away, to have her living son in her arms. A tear found her way on Castiel cheek, but he was too focused on her pain to register the anomaly of it. And then he heard his name in her head and froze.

**_Castiel…I can't…I know that this show has been helping me but right now I just can't. I wish you were real. I wish you could bring back my son to life…make the pain go away. I can't…I just can't. Cas…_ **

_I am sorry, I am so sorry but I can't…_

Castiel felt more tears burning his eyes as he extended his hand to touch her cheek. He felt his grace connecting with her and saw every single memory she ever had. He felt a connection forming between the two of them, similar but still different than the bond he had with Dean. Perhaps it was because she didn't live in the same universe, but still, there was something strange going on.

He shouldn't be feeling that much. He shouldn't had been able to connect with her. But looking at her and feeling her pain? He couldn't do nothing either. He had done so many mistakes by trying to do his best to save the Winchesters, humanity and even angels. He was there now and she had called for him even knowing who he was and what he had done. He would do his best.

_You can sleep now, I am here and I'll be watching over you._

He kissed her forehead and started singing the song Gabriel used to sing to him when he was just a fledgling.


	3. The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!
> 
> Sorry it's been a while but I just got back to school and it's been rough.
> 
> Thank you so much for your reviews and for the love this fiction was given. I also want to warn you that there will be triggers in the next chapters. A lot of them. So please be careful and reach out for help if you need to. You are not alone, always keep fighting.
> 
> Keep in mind that English isn't my first language and I do apologize for any mistake I might have made.
> 
> I do not own Supernatural
> 
> Enjoy your reading!
> 
> Pavs.

I woke up to the sound of machines around me. A nurse was running tests to see if my vitals were good. I didn't care, I felt like I was dead anyway. I sat up and she smiled at me. It was sincere, but it was the kind of smile you give to someone that won't be able to answer. She told me everything was ok and I scoffed. She turned and left and I sat there I little longer. They brought me food that I didn't touched and asked me questions about who would be able to come and pick me up.

At least I didn't have to answer that one. My best friend had just arrived. He told the nurse that he'd take care of me and she unplugged me before she went to do the paperwork. Phil looked at me and told me he didn't know what to say.

''I just want to get out of here'' I said and he nodded. ''Help me?''

He closed the curtains and helped me to change. I was still weak and couldn't even stand for more than a couple of minutes. We got into his car and he drove me home. It wasn't a long ride, but it felt like an eternity. My boyfriend was waiting at home, relieved.

I. Was. Enraged.

I tried to tell myself that it was shock, but the words he said kept echoing in my head. I would never forgive him. My son, HIS SON was dead. How dare could he be fucking relieved?!

''I know'' Phil said, looking ten years older than he really was. ''I would have said I told you he was an asshole, but even I couldn't have seen that coming…. Look I don't know what to say and I won't pretend that I know what you feel right now, but I am here for you And I am not going anywhere. I am so sorry for your loss.''

''Thank you'' were the only words I managed to say before bursting into tears. He said nothing and when we arrived at my place, he hugged me. ''Call me if you need. I'll call if you don't.''

I opened my door and saw my boyfriend still waiting for me on the couch. He looked at me but I could only feel anger, and more pain if it was possible.

_How could someone do that? How could you. I wish Castiel would be there to smite you into fucking oblivion! I wish Crowley would torture you in hell! Fuck I wish you were trapped in the cage with Lucifer or be forced to relive your own death again and again by Gabriel!_

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was like a part of me was begging me to stop and calm down. That he wasn't worth it. So, I did try and calm down.

''Are you okay?'' Patrick asked and I snorted.

''Seriously? How could anyone be okay with….'' I started before loosing my self-control. I sobbed so hard I almost couldn't breathe.

He took me in his arms, but it didn't comfort me as much as it used to. He broke my heart and there was nothing he could do about that. The trust would never be there again.

''Look I am sorry'' He said while I was moving to get out of his embrace. '' I should have waited before telling you that I was glad not to be a father. ''

I froze. It was like my brain didn't want to catch up with what he was saying. He looked at me but said nothing. Before I knew it the words came out of my mouth.

''YOU chose not to use protection! YOU told me how happy you would be to have a son! YOU talked about how it would be the best time to be pregnant because of my studies! YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BABY NAMES WHILE SHOPPING FOR BABY THINGS!'' I screamed and he just stood there and said nothing. ''What you said was not and never will be ok! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!''

''I told you those things because I thought it would make you happy!'' He screamed back and I felt pure rage.

''So you lied. You lied, you manipulated me, you used me…for what? Just so I can later discover what a jerk you are while I am bleeding out because my son, YOUR SON IS DEAD?!...Please tell me how in the world did you think it was the right thing to do?''

''It…I…It was not. I am not happy this happened and I am sorry that you had to go through this but I am not changing my mind. You can cry, I'll be there to listen to you but that's all I can do. I love you. I was scared to lose you.''

''I can't forgive you. I just can't.'' I answered and my voice broke. I couldn't talk. I hated him but I couldn't do it alone. Not now. And I needed someone to watch for me for the next couple of days. ''I'll just go to bed.''

And I did just that. I closed my eyes. I heard him coming in my room. He asked me if I needed something and I pretended to be asleep. I don't know if he believed it, but he didn't try to talk again and came to sleep with me. I wasn't strong enough to fight, so I cried silently while trying to remember the song I heard in my head the night before.

**_He doesn't deserve you. Sleep now, you're safe with me._ **

And just like that I fell asleep.


	4. Sanity's missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!
> 
> I want to first apologize on the late update. My cat was sick and university got rid of any spare time I had left. (My cat is better now don't worry)
> 
> Now this chapter was a bit tricky to write but I still hope you will love it. And a big thank you to all of those who gave this fiction love. It truly means a lot to me.
> 
> Enjoy your reading!
> 
> Pavs.

Castiel was sitting in her chair, watching over her. Daring that assbutt to do something to piss him off. And he thought Metatron was a pain in the arse! She deserved so much better than this. And there he was, not even able to help her. It was frustrating. She did seem to fall asleep to the song he was singing, but that could be a coincidence too.

He didn't have time to think about it much longer, he was back in the empty and he wasn't alone. In fact, he was staring at himself. He was now very confused. He tried to touch…him?

''Nope, I am stopping you right there!''

''Who are you?'' Castiel asked ''My subconscious?''

''Oh, I'm just your friendly neighborhood cosmic entity'' his other self responded with a smirk.

''Why do you look like me?'' Castiel asked while taking a step back.

''Oh, yes. I show up in my real form and you freak out, rip your own eyes, et cetera. That would be embarrassing wouldn't it, for both of us?'' The empty answered and Castiel rolled his eyes, he wasn't impressed and needed answers.

''What is this place?'' Cas finally asked even if he had an idea of what it was.

''Oh, yes. Excellent question. You see, before God and Amara, creation destruction, Heaven, Hell, your precious little earth, what as there?'' Ask his other self.

''Nothing''

''Yes. That's right. Nothing. Nothing but Empty. And you are soaking in it'' Answered the divinity and Castiel frowned. ''Angels and demons, you all come here when you die.''

''Every angel that ever died is here?'' Is it why he was able to go see her? Because Balthazar could travel into other dimensions. Did his powers followed him there?

''Yes, they normally all sleep, an endless peaceful sleep. You know I was sleeping too. Hey, uh, since we're pals, there's something I gotta know. I just want to ask, why are you awake?'' Asked the entity and Castiel sighed. '' Cause fun fact—in all of forever, nothing ever wakes up here. I mean, ever. Ever. And second fun fact—when you woke up, I woke up, and I don't like being awake. So I am asking you, what's up smart guy?''

''You tell me, think!'' It answered and Castiel began pacing.

He had to find a way. A way out. He could've sworn he'd felt Jack's presence when he woke up with the pain that he seemed to feel from the young women he visited. Could Jack be this powerful? Could Dean and Sam asked him to bring him back? This was so confusing and Castiel felt suddenly tired. There was just one way he could have his answers and he couldn't give away his connection to her in case he didn't know.

''The Winchesters. Sam and Dean, they must have made a deal'' He started before being interrupted.

''No. No, no, no. Not with me, and I'm…I'm the only one that has any pull here. Not Heaven, not Hell Not G-O-D himself. So, think harder. '' The other said and Castiel was at a loss of words. How on earth was he able to have a connection with another world? Has it all been in his head? ''Rack that perky little brain of yours.''

''Stay away from me.'' Said Cas, suddenly very aware that he had no control over the situation.

''Okay, fine. I'll rack it for you.'' It answered and put a hand on Castiel forehead. Castiel screamed as he felt like his whole being was catching fire. The amount of power was too much and he felt like he was going to collapse. He fell to is knees and kept screaming. ''Well I read your mind such as it is.''

''What do you want?'' Asked Castiel, feeling like he was about to pass out.

''What do I want? I want you to shut up. I want—hmm. Having you awake it's like a gnat flew right up here and it's trapped and it's buzzing.''

''having me awake causes you pain.'' Stated Cas.

''If you can't sleep, I can't sleep. Yeah? And I like sleep. I need sleep.'' The entity responded with an annoyed face.

''Then get rid of me. You could send me anywhere…'' tried Cas. And while he wanted to go back to Dean, he couldn't help but think that he could find a way to bring her with him. To protect her and tell her she wasn't alone.

''Oh I should, should I?'' the other said with a smirk.

''Send me back to earth.'' Demanded Castiel.

''Or I throw you so deep into the Empty that you can't bother me anymore, hmm?'' proposed the entity and Castiel felt that his patience was coming to an end.

''Except you know that wont work or you would've done it already.''

''Pretty smart, Dummy.'' Said the other while looking frustrated.

And they went at it a little more. Castiel was getting angry and then the entity showed him his weakness his failures. He fought with every single good memory he had, he really did. But in the end, he started to believe…no…Sam and Dean needed him. Jack needed him…She needed him…

The entity kept going on how much he'd be better off dead, but he couldn't do it. He could just give up. So he fought back even more. And before he could even fully understand what happened, he was back to the world of the living.

And he had a phone call to make.


	5. The other side of the mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!
> 
> I am so sorry it took so long for an update, life has been crazy because of school.
> 
> I want to thank you all for your support.
> 
> Enjoy your reading!
> 
> Pavs.

The more the time passed the less I could feel. My whole world collapsed. A part of me should be glad that he was gone after everything he'd say, but he could have done so without the betrayal. But apparently, bleeding out because I lost a child was no excuse to be sad or not have sex and he'd left me after sleeping with other women.

That fucker.

I was wondering if I'd ever stop crying. I had been for two days now. I couldn't hear the song anymore and hadn't been able to sleep. The pain was too much and I was too tired to do something about it. There was also this part of me that was afraid I might never feel again if the suffering stopped.

My phone kept ringing and I kept not answering, blocking the calls so my friends would know I wasn't dead, just stubborn enough to not talk to anyone. I was still breathing, eating, doing homework to distract myself and it was enough effort for me. I saw the sun coming out and felt a tear running down my face. Three days then.

**_It's me again…I don't even know why I am saying this, I know you can't hear me. You know the first time I prayed to you, it felt…I don't know, different? Maybe the lack of sleep is slowly driving me insane. I really wish you were here._ **

**_I feel like I don't have a reason to be here anymore. I try, I don't know why but I do. You are the only person I talk to...shit how sad is this? I miss the song, it's like I couldn't get it out of my head and now it's just gone. Like everything else._ **

**_Tell me why I am still here. I won't be able to keep going much longer. I…_ **

I was sobbing so much by then that I couldn't even think straight. I hugged one of my pillow and cried until I was almost asleep. And just like that, the song was back.


End file.
